Lola: An Autobiography (Part 3)

Chapter Three: I Don’t Like Sharing My Toys

When my current owners first got me, they bought me a pink toy bunny. I named it Princess Amelia of the Lounge Room but my stupid owners were convinced it was just called “bunny”. Honestly, humans are so unoriginal. Anyway, Princess Amelia didn’t last long. I loved her so much that I tore her to pieces. I ripped the squeakers out of her arms, legs and stomach, and I scattered the stuffing everywhere. My owners were baffled – they kept on insisting that the packet had said “strong durability” and “chew-proof”. Ha! They had so much to learn. “Chew-proof” is just half an hour’s work for me.

The humans then decided to buy me a second bunny, exactly like the first, and hoped it would satisfy me for longer. Oh, how wrong they were. Princess Henrietta of the Trampoline was so much fun to play with that I also, unfortunately, ripped her to pieces. My owners concluded, much to my disappointment, that no pink bunnies were to be further purchased.

After both Princess Amelia and Princess Henrietta were thrown in the bin, the humans bought me a thick, blue, twisted rope toy. It is impossible to chew through that one. Believe me, I’ve tried. I don’t like it much now, it’s a bit too difficult for me to handle.

Then, on one hot day, my owners came home with the best toy I’ve ever had. Prince Phillipe of the Backyard! He is a green misshapen frog, with two loops of rope at either end. He is an odd creature, and he looks even odder now that I’ve ripped his outer fur to shreds. Now all you can see is the rope that was inside him. He doesn’t look like a frog now, but to be honest, he didn’t look much like a frog to begin with. I cannot stress enough how much I love playing tug-of-war with Prince Phillipe and my owners. I’m very good at it, unless we start playing in the kitchen. My paws can’t grip onto the tiles properly, and I just slip and slide everywhere.

Top Left: This is a picture of Prince Phillipe of the Backyard today. Poor darling. Top Right: This is a picture of me sitting and waiting very patiently for my toy. I am a very good dog. Bottom Left: This is a picture of me playing tug-of-war with my owner Angourie and Prince Phillipe. I get very passionate about the battle and often growl. Bottom Right: This is a picture of me after I won the battle. I am a very clever dog.

Some of my toys are “forbidden” as the owners say, but my rationale is that if the owners aren’t here, everything is my toy. Here is a list of items that have been my toy for a day (until I destroyed them):

  1. Miu Miu sunglasses case
  2. Raybans sunglasses case
  3. Googly-eye glasses
  4. Pink jelly-shoes
  5. Pink and orange running shoes
  6. Purple slippers
  7. A five year old’s toy mouse
  8. A pink rubber ducky
  9. A meerkat magnet
  10. A real dead starfish
  11. Paper towel
  12. Gymnastics foam roller
  13. Laptop charger
  14. Trampoline net
  15. Pegs from the washing line

Of course, the owners don’t like it when I destroy their possessions, but they have no idea how fun it is at the time. In the end, they get over it. Things are just things, and stuff is just stuff. They love me, and that’s the most important thing.

 

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