Nonsense Stories

I recently spent four days at a beach house with my family. There is no internet and using electronic devices is discouraged, so I decided to write some short stories. First, I would collect words from the dictionary by flipping to a random page and choosing a word. After my list of words was long enough, I would begin to write a short story including all of those words. Variations are accepted, for example if the word is “strong”, it would be okay to use “strongly” and “strongest”.

All of these stories are nonsense. Enjoy.

NO CHIVALROUS JESTERS 

firm, mat, that, toe, do, well, ha, load, cog, dog, oats, equip, pod, pad, pin, sun, bin, bit, auto, on, can, in, furtive, guava, push, chivalrous, questionable, deity, axis, saunter, adlib, jester

The furtive push for jesters to be chivalrous is quite questionable. The pressure to do well is heavy enough. Some would say the load is unbearable. We cannot all be deities! Inbit, our jester will saunter into his podequipped from head to toe with jester-supplies, that of which include include a guava and a dog. He will throw the oats away because they distract his dog, Mat (with one ‘t’ on purpose). We all firmly believe that the jester can make us laugh. Ha! There he goes. Like on auto cue, the cogs and gears turn and he adlibs his entertainment. On a day with a lot of sun, he will pin a flower to his chest, and his dog will pad alongside him. In conclusion, the earth will always spin on its axis, and the jester will always be amusing, never chivalrous.

PRINCESS ALEX AND HER BAND

hens, sent, squib, frenzy, penguin, wharf, dent, noon, able, oboe, land, hand, sand, tent, slow, composition, boat, band, quality, cards, rush, car, paper, pen, fluff, pop, princess

Suggestions of “Alex” and “Kingdom of Arendelle” generously provided by my sister.

Princesses are similar to hens in that they both live on land. Like the penguin, princesses are flightless, however unlike the penguin, they must use a quality boat to get to uncharted waters by noon. A wharf is essential in this excursion, but a car would be useless. Princess Alex, heir to the throne in the Kingdom of Arendelle, plays oboe in the royal band. Her parents would prefer her to play cards, but she knew that if the card were in the other hand, they would understand. Alex, shown on page seven with a pen and paper, is rushing to finish her latest composition for the band. The next few days will be spent in a frenzy trying to get the pop song sent for approval by the King and Queen. This process is not slow, and there will be no fluffing about. After the song is approved, Alex and her band will be able to set up a tent on the sand and set off fireworks. We think the firework with a dent in it will be a squib.

DARREN AND THE INCIDENT WITH THE OYSTERS 

oyster, earnest, burden, bubble, ahoy, hypnosis, quicksand, telescope, uprising, sort, rocket, prosperous, humanity, global, chariot, button, zoologist

Suggestion of “Darren” generously provided by my sister.

Humanity has been burdened on a global scale. Specifically, Darren the zoologist has been burdened the most. He’d had a rather prosperous life, living in a perfect bubble. This was, unfortunately, until the uprising of the oysters. Darren felt responsible, for it was he who had mistaken an oyster for a button. In an earnest attempt to sort the oysters from the buttons, Darren angered them further. He tried making a quick get-away on his chariot, however it sunk into quicksand. “Ahoy!” he yelled for no apparent reason, as he jumped into a nearby rocket and flew away. He can now not be seen by the even the strongest telescope. Thankfully, the angry oysters were tamed using hypnosis, and all is well.

AGAPANTHUS AND THE FUCHSIA PISTACHIO 

buzz, daredevil, fuchsia, identical, jewel, rose, tattoo, triumph, wake, minority, option, pistachio, recite, equal, gravity, squid, youngster

Suggestion of “Agapanthus” generously provided by my dad.

Agapanthus, a daredevil youngster, is attempting to steal the fuchsia pistachio, more valuable than even the rarest jewel. After a lot of buzz about Agapanthus being the new thief in town, she rose to the occasion by sneaking into the squid’s lair. Here she is now, reciting a lullaby to the guards. Shh! You might wake them. Now, Agapanthus has the option of turning on the anti-gravity switch. And she goes for it! Of the small minority who have gotten into the squid’s lair and past the guards, no one has ever turned on the anti-gravity! This is astonishing! She is floating through the air now, and has reached the small podium on which the fuchsia pistachio lies.* She must now replace the pistachio with an identical one of equal weight, otherwise the alarms will sound. She’s taken it … and replacing it … and she’s done it! She has stolen the priceless fuchsia pistachio. She will now return home in triumph and get a tattoo of the pistachio on her right hand. It will be a tribute to the day she became the first to successfully steal the fuchsia pistachio.

*Okay to be honest I thought I’d made a mistake by saying that the pistachio would be lying on the platform because if it’s zero gravity, wouldn’t it be floating? But then I realised that maybe it wouldn’t be because no force had been acted upon it to make it float in the air. So I don’t really know, but like I said, these stories are nonsense so accuracy doesn’t really matter.

 

PRINCESS DAPHNE’S ADVENTURE 

hooves, cubicle, brave, perhaps, wallaby, cracker, brainy, bean, anticlockwise, signature, trustworthy, stout, frown, fruity, diagram, glimmer, oven, anticlimax

Suggestion of “Daphne” generously provided by my dad. Suggestion of “Kingdom of the Backyard” generously provided by my mum.

Princess Daphne of the Backyard was a brainy beanperhaps a little too brainy for her own good. Her signature frown was always worn across her brow, a sign that she was annoyed that others weren’t as smart as her. Her sidekick, a stout and trustworthy wallaby, never left her side, and together they ruled over the Backyard, which was the size of three and a half office cubicles. Princess Daphne was not brave, but she didn’t need to be. Nothing ever threatened the Kingdom of the Backyard. A glimmer of danger had appeared last August, when she thought she heard the sound of hooves thundering towards her. She had spun around anticlockwise, a diagram of a sword in her right hand (she couldn’t afford a real one), but it was just her faithful wallaby returning from an errand. That afternoon, they ate cheese and crackers and baked a fruity cake in the oven. What an anticlimax.

HOW TO CARE FOR YOUR PET TORTOISE: A RECIPE FOR SUCCESS

fillet, tortoise, trade, attention, confrontation, hype, optimism, recipe, billboard, exit, include, oxygen, stalk, thermometer, yonks

How to Care for Your Pet Tortoise: A Recipe for Success

  1. Optimism is key. Tortoises are pessimists and will try and bring you down.
  2. Attention to detail is important when it comes to making a home for your tortoise. They are very particular and sloppiness will not be tolerated.
  3. When decorating, always include a thermometer in the house.
  4. Do not trade your tortoise for anything. They will not forget what you did and will come for you.
  5. Races with hares are not worth the hype.
  6. Tortoises do not like confrontation. Avoid it if possible.
  7. When advertising for a tortoise party, always use billboards. Tortoises want everyone to attend and don’t want it to be a boring party.
  8. Plant stalks are a healthy snack.
  9. If you smoke in their house, your tortoise will ask you to exit immediately.
  10. Oxygen is vital to your tortoise’s survival. If you didn’t know this already, I suggest to return your tortoise to the pet shop.

Thank you for reading Tarda Hebetem’s guide to caring for your pet tortoise. If you follow these steps, your tortoise will love you eternally and live for yonks and yonks.

 

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